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Blurred In-betweens

4 Nov

And as I looked up the starless sky, I whispered my final goodbye to the love that I gave completely, but was never returned really.

I look back at the time that has gone in the blink of an eye — an unexpected hello, a consenting commitment, all the blurred in-betweens, and finally, the struggled but expected goodbye.

As clear as it has ever been, I know in my heart that this chapter has to end.

The pain of realizing that despite all the smiles and tears that were given, taken, and exchanged, it was meant to go. Like every wave that hits the shore – loudly crashing but quietly settling as it hits land.

I take a deep breath of sea air and exhale away the doubts.

God has a plan.

I need to rekindle that faith and just give in to it.

It has been such a long fight, too long of a road to keep on going. The rocks I thought I was meant to overcome were actually quiet signs that it was time to let go. I didn’t listen until the whisper turned into a shout. My heart had to be broken again and again before I finally listened.

It’s such a strange thing – to tell yourself to stop loving someone you’ve loved for years; to teach yourself to force away every memory in every crevice of your senses.

But as I look back, I feel lucky, lucky to have given the kind of love that is this painful to lose.

Some people have it easy, they meet the person they love and end up with them for the rest of their lives.

Some people jump from one love to the other without really getting hurt because they never really truly loved the person they were with.

And there’s me – the chosen few who gets to experience the kind of pain you only get from loving the wrong one too much.

A billion people in this earth and every single one claiming to understand love in their own ways.

But for me, you’ve never really loved until you’ve experienced loss.

Because I get it now.

Though all stories have a beginning, a happy ending is never promised.

Some stories just end.

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The Ugly Truth

29 Sep

I’ve gone a long way from being naive about people. Growing up, I liked to think of myself in a pedestal. I always tried to achieve where my strength lied, and I was always harder on myself whenever I felt like I failed the people around me. But as I grew older, I started to understand people.

We have the innate ability to forget when people do good and magnify mistakes when they make the wrong choices in life. Loyalty isn’t always rewarded with loyalty. Most of the time, people tell you what you want to hear when they’re in front of you and speak of the foulest things behind your back. Probably, the reason why this was very hard for me to accept was because I’ve always tried to see the good in the people around me. And it was very hard for me to come into terms with the fact that others are just not the same. People tend to focus on the bad things. You do a lot of good things for them, and then the minute you start becoming imperfect, all of that gets thrown out in the drain.

I told myself that I could be indifferent and that I could stop myself from getting hurt when I hear and when I read about the negative things that other people say, but again, we are subject to the petty emotions of being human. And here, I find myself writing about being devastated and disappointed. What amazes me is how people can hold two faces at a time, how natural it is for people to be Dr Jekyl and Hyde. One minute they can act like your friend, but behind your back they’re saying all the things you couldn’t possibly fathom to say about them. 

It is a long road. But I don’t regret anything that I’ve done because I know that at least for myself, I am continuously trying to be a better person even if every single time I try my best to take a step forward, I always find myself ten steps back. I know where I’ve failed, and I know where I should improve. The problem with most people is that they have no idea what they’re doing wrong. They think that hurting others and pretending to be their friend is something that is natural. You can’t correct something when you don’t know that it’s wrong. At the end of the day, you only answer to yourself and you should be able to own up to every bad choice you’ve made in your life. I don’t owe anyone an explanation for being human. I only owe it to God, to my family, and to myself.

It would take a long time before I could finally stop caring about what other people say, and start fully focusing on how I could improve myself. Slowly, I can take back the ten steps and just keep moving forward.

My 15 Lessons from 2015

31 Dec
  1. The people you love will always hurt you, more than your enemies will. Whether they do it intentionally or not, they just do.
  2. Forgiveness is not for the weak. It’s easier to hate, it’s harder to let go. Getting hurt is inevitable, forgiveness is a choice.
  3. Focus on the things you can control. The world won’t stop spinning. People make choices every day. You can’t control that. But you can control how you react to things. Focus on that.
  4. Take a break. Hit the pause button. Things now won’t be what it is a few days later. Take the time to notice.
  5. Make the people you love, feel loved. There’s no such thing as being too thoughtful.
  6. Travel. See the world. Start small, but start NOW. God created the world so beautifully, we owe it to Him to see it.
  7. If it doesn’t make you happy, stop doing it.
  8. Expect the worse in every situation, so that you will never end up with the short end of the stick.
  9. Always expect change.
  10. Understand that you ALWAYS have a choice.
  11. Take care of yourself. Others will claim to do it for you, but no one will do it best than you.
  12. Love always complicates things.
  13. The best thing shared with friends is not only laugter, but tears. When you’ve cried with a friend, you’ll know they’re the true ones.
  14. Laugh and cry. These are the easiest ways to cleanse the heart.
  15. Learn how and when to say goodbye.