Skinny Love

16 Jun

There she is, sitting on the side of the pool, watching the impending build-up of the darkening clouds. It is the rainy season and the earth is making sure that people start shifting from skimpy tank tops to dark light sweaters.  The weather is making her feel melancholy and she gets lost in her thoughts again.

She is asking herself what she is doing here. The same question that the others are asking her. And she can’t, for a fraction of a second,answer that question. Not that she means here,in the swimming pool. She means here — in this situation where everyday,she questions the relationship she feels like she is fighting to lose. Have you ever heard of someone daydream about the end? Well, that is an everyday thought in her clouded mind. She feels like she is waiting to get hurt even more than she already is.

She often asks herself what the point of the whole thing is? If she isn’t happy, then why can’t she let herself leave? There isn’t exactly a long list of reasons for her to fight.

It is her decision.

She wants to.

She chooses to. Every single day.

And every time she asks herself if she should stay,her answer never changes. It never falters. It is always a “Yes”.

Maybe she is used to getting hurt that she’s confusing it with happiness. The growing doubt in her latches itself to her definition of trust that she’s starting to confuse paranoia with instincts. How can her friends and family reason with her when she couldn’t even reason with herself?

What was it that they say? When someone asks you why you fell in love with someone,are you supposed to know the answer? Or not? She can’t remember what love articles in magazines say. There’s just too many ironies to keep up with. Because honestly,for her, she can’t give a single answer to that question. She doesn’t know why she loves him. She think she does. After all, she gets hurt. And she can’t get hurt by someone she doesn’t love.

This certainly isn’t indifference. It’s too messy and complex to be something that simple. Whatever it is,it’s making her stay. That should count for something.

She gets up from her little bubble of thought-space. The sound of thunder and the flashes of lightning remind her that she’s going to end another day with the same questions and the same answers.

Nothing new.

Not surprised.

She should be an expert in this by now,but like a love-struck school girl,she’s left to make her own conclusions based on what feels comfortable but not entirely safe. This couldn’t be her comfort zone. It’s too painful and raw to be one.

Who knows,tomorrow might be the end of this endless cycle for her.

Maybe,her answers won’t feel as paradoxical as it sounds right now.

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