What Betrayal Taught Me

11 Sep

Betrayal. The worst thing you would probably ever experience in this world. Especially if it’s from someone you thought would never do anything to hurt you.

It has changed me.

The way I see the people around me is very much different from how it was before. No matter how hard I try to deny it or how many times I try to stop myself from being bitter and sad, I can’t help it. I start to question every person I’ve ever trusted in my entire life. I unconsciously find myself waiting for people to hurt me because I deserve it. I start seeing myself as not being good enough for someone to stay faithful to. It’s not something I want, it’s something that I have become because of what was done to me. I know people say that I don’t have control over what has happened in the past, yet I can direct my future. But no matter how hard I try, the past really has its way of affecting what I have become in the future.

Being broken won’t suddenly change just because I decide NOT to be broken.

No one ever asks to be hurt, it just happens. And no matter how hard I fight, sometimes, it’s easier to give in and surrender to the disappointment and hurt.

Everyday is a repeated struggle of disproving myself that I deserved the betrayal. Everyday is a silent personal fight of convincing myself that I am strong and that I can move past this. Sometimes, it gets too overwhelming and I just feel like giving up and wallowing in self-pity for the rest of my life. Irritatingly, I can’t find myself to do that. For some reason, this eternal fight is more bearable to my consciousness than giving-up. Somehow, I still have the emotional strength to live day by day and convince myself that if happiness isn’t meant to last forever, sadness won’t either.

I know people expect me to be strong and be mature, but I just wish that sometimes, they also realize that I’m still just a human being. I also feel and I’m also allowed to get hurt. And though I try so hard to be mature and act all grown-up — I’m not.

Betrayal has been an awakening truth to me that “forever” is just a word, which was never meant to be used with “Love”. It isn’t for humans to understand it because we always have a limited view of eternity. “Forever” is too much of a word for us because everything in this world was created to be fleeting and temporary.

Things always happen.

Relationships never last.

Everything expires.

Betrayal knows no equal.

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