i feel so lost.

25 Apr

how can i explain to you that i did not mean to hurt you?

that what i said was totally not in sync with how you understood it.

i feel so lost. so confused. so frustrated.

i knew right from the very start that it was not me you were rooting on.

i knew that in some way, i was a disappointment.

i never felt that i was loved enough.

i never felt that i was appreciated enough.

and that’s probably the reason why its SO hard for me to be affectionate. SO hard for me to open up to other people.

there are so many things i want to tell you.

so many times i’ve been envious with other people’s relationship – i think, why can’t we be like them?

and you’ve robbed me off that dream without even giving me a chance to try.

why is money always an issue? i feel like you don’t want me to be happy. i feel like, somehow, you’re insecure, cause you never got to live your dreams. or maybe because im finally out of your wing. or because i now have the capability to think on my own and decide for my own because i am no longer subject to what you have to give.

i need you.

but you’re leaving me because of a misunderstanding.

you tell me that i’ve hurt you so much? i beg to differ. YOU hurt yourself SO much. because thats how you choose to understand things.

and you’re so stubborn.

no matter how hard i try to explain my side, YOU NEVER LISTEN.

because im wrong. and you’re right.

and there’s NO – NO – NO room for explanation.

i wish i could just turn back time and erase that single word that’s causing me SO much pain right now.

Oh God. just one second, please let me go back. 😦

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