Walk Away

6 Jan

And then she saw him. He walked in with the girl in his arm – strutting in like he owned the world, and he didn’t owe anyone an explanation.

But he did.

He owed Demi every single explanation.

Demi caught her breath when she saw them.

“Not now.” She whispered to herself.

“Why couldn’t I get a decent night out without having to run into my past?” She grumbled.

She felt the familiar twitch of pain pulsing through her heart.

This wasn’t going to be an easy night.

She watched her.

She couldn’t help asking herself, “Why?”

Why was it so easy for him to find someone new when she couldn’t let herself be with any guy without thinking about him?

Why did he choose her? Because she was younger? Better-looking? Sexier?

Nah. She looked plain and fat.

She giggled to herself.

Then Demi stood up, and walked towards their direction.

They were a few feet away from her.

What should she do?

Demi wasn’t really catty or scandalous. In fact, she was one of the nicest girls in the world.

She couldn’t let this measly guy change that about her.

She watched their backs as they laughed and joked around with their friends.

All the time never leaving each other’s sides and letting go of each other’s hands.

She just stood there.

Frozen.

Unable to take her eyes off them.

She caught herself thinking, “Is that what you really want? To own the hand his holding? To be the reason for his smiles? And to be in his arm every time he walks in anywhere?”

Then it all came back.

All the fights because of his numerous girls, the countless negligence because of his flabbergasted ego, the endless tears because of the drama, the sadness and disappointments.

And then — The End.

No. She got out of that because she wasn’t happy.

His part in her story was over. And him parading his new victim shouldn’t make any difference.

She won’t let it.

She stepped back, and turned around.

Demi took a deep breath and kept walking farther and farther away.

Some questions don’t deserve an answer.

They are asked because it’s human nature to think, and to ask, and to wonder.

Life has a way of making you feel pained about the choices you made.

But just because it hurts, doesn’t make it wrong.

Most of the time, the right ones are the most difficult to make.

Demi told herself, “He’s moved on. Why shouldn’t I?”

Sure, he was being disrespectful about it. Parading around like he wanted to prove to everyone that Demi really didn’t matter.

That doesn’t say anything about Demi, but it says everything about him.

And she’ll let other people be the judge. She was over being in that level.

For the first time since she saw them, she smiled.

Because Demi finally knew what she wanted.

And it wasn’t him.

She never wanted to own the hand he holds, and yet feel lonely.

To be the reason for his smiles, and yet cry herself to sleep at night.

To be in his arm every time he walks anywhere, and yet feel empty and stupid.

An occasional vision of the past shouldn’t be a tug to the heart, but a needed jog to the memory.

She whispered to him in her head,

“Thank you for being the best worst decision I’ve ever made.”

She looked back at the new girl and silently said,

“Thank you for making it easier for me to let go.”

She got in her car.

Started the engine.

And drove away — tires squealing, wind blowing.

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Blurred In-betweens

4 Nov

And as I looked up the starless sky, I whispered my final goodbye to the love that I gave completely, but was never returned really.

I look back at the time that has gone in the blink of an eye — an unexpected hello, a consenting commitment, all the blurred in-betweens, and finally, the struggled but expected goodbye.

As clear as it has ever been, I know in my heart that this chapter has to end.

The pain of realizing that despite all the smiles and tears that were given, taken, and exchanged, it was meant to go. Like every wave that hits the shore – loudly crashing but quietly settling as it hits land.

I take a deep breath of sea air and exhale away the doubts.

God has a plan.

I need to rekindle that faith and just give in to it.

It has been such a long fight, too long of a road to keep on going. The rocks I thought I was meant to overcome were actually quiet signs that it was time to let go. I didn’t listen until the whisper turned into a shout. My heart had to be broken again and again before I finally listened.

It’s such a strange thing – to tell yourself to stop loving someone you’ve loved for years; to teach yourself to force away every memory in every crevice of your senses.

But as I look back, I feel lucky, lucky to have given the kind of love that is this painful to lose.

Some people have it easy, they meet the person they love and end up with them for the rest of their lives.

Some people jump from one love to the other without really getting hurt because they never really truly loved the person they were with.

And there’s me – the chosen few who gets to experience the kind of pain you only get from loving the wrong one too much.

A billion people in this earth and every single one claiming to understand love in their own ways.

But for me, you’ve never really loved until you’ve experienced loss.

Because I get it now.

Though all stories have a beginning, a happy ending is never promised.

Some stories just end.

The Ugly Truth

29 Sep

I’ve gone a long way from being naive about people. Growing up, I liked to think of myself in a pedestal. I always tried to achieve where my strength lied, and I was always harder on myself whenever I felt like I failed the people around me. But as I grew older, I started to understand people.

We have the innate ability to forget when people do good and magnify mistakes when they make the wrong choices in life. Loyalty isn’t always rewarded with loyalty. Most of the time, people tell you what you want to hear when they’re in front of you and speak of the foulest things behind your back. Probably, the reason why this was very hard for me to accept was because I’ve always tried to see the good in the people around me. And it was very hard for me to come into terms with the fact that others are just not the same. People tend to focus on the bad things. You do a lot of good things for them, and then the minute you start becoming imperfect, all of that gets thrown out in the drain.

I told myself that I could be indifferent and that I could stop myself from getting hurt when I hear and when I read about the negative things that other people say, but again, we are subject to the petty emotions of being human. And here, I find myself writing about being devastated and disappointed. What amazes me is how people can hold two faces at a time, how natural it is for people to be Dr Jekyl and Hyde. One minute they can act like your friend, but behind your back they’re saying all the things you couldn’t possibly fathom to say about them. 

It is a long road. But I don’t regret anything that I’ve done because I know that at least for myself, I am continuously trying to be a better person even if every single time I try my best to take a step forward, I always find myself ten steps back. I know where I’ve failed, and I know where I should improve. The problem with most people is that they have no idea what they’re doing wrong. They think that hurting others and pretending to be their friend is something that is natural. You can’t correct something when you don’t know that it’s wrong. At the end of the day, you only answer to yourself and you should be able to own up to every bad choice you’ve made in your life. I don’t owe anyone an explanation for being human. I only owe it to God, to my family, and to myself.

It would take a long time before I could finally stop caring about what other people say, and start fully focusing on how I could improve myself. Slowly, I can take back the ten steps and just keep moving forward.